Tears of a "STRONG BLACK WOMAN!!" Missing her Father

How easy it is to make plans, appointments, business calls, and business arrangements...

But ever so still stands the underlying motivational force... of pain,
        ... of heartache
           ... of disbelief and shock.
It moves me,
       though I ignore it.
It conjures up feelings that I repress.


And why??!!

Because I'm a "STRONG BLACK WOMAN!!"

I'm a fighter, I'm a worker!

I've got moves to make and bills to pay!

But aren't I also... Simply Human??!!
A feeler of emotion?
A susceptible embarker upon tragedy?


I want to feel!
I want to scream!!
I want to be allowed to go crazy,
      to acceptably be understood as a human with vulnerabilities!!!
To kick and punch in a moment of tantrum and disbelief,
Not quite understanding at the moment why my father had to leave this earth so soon!!!!

Can't I just relish in the pure ignorance and irrational cognition that emotion and pain bring??!!

I battle with Self

I battle with Knowing

I battle with Wisdom

However, I choose to heed in order to maintain Sanity...

So in my mind I occupy my thoughts by creating...

       A world...

            A life...

                 A way...

A way through,

A way out,

A way over and healed from pain,

A way to Peace and Harmonious Natural Living

But I question myself...

Is there really a way?

     or just manifestations of creation and fantasy?

What is truth?

What is real?

How do I feel?

Are my feelings just a product of how I choose to feel,

       based on how the world thinks I should feel?

I haven't really written since seeing you depart

It has just brought such a heaviness to my heart

I can no longer ignore this weight

Avoidance is not the Key

As my eyes swell with our memories and times spent together

I will allow each tear to fall to The Most High's fertile soil and plant a sacred seed

A seed of transformation and growth...

         A seed of power and wisdom...

                  A seed of legacy and transcendence...

Because of you I AM.

Because of me you ARE.

I don't have to be this "STRONG BLACK WOMAN!!"...
         just myself

I never stop being Daddy's Little Girl...